…is a question I’m often asked when people find out that I spend a lot of my time working with men who have committed serious acts of sexual violence.
The disgust response is pretty normal and is a key survival strategy for us when faced with things we perceive as being threatening to us. Its biological imperative is for our body to rid itself of pathogens or toxins by avoiding them. Social disgust is slightly different, according to Susan Fiske, a Social Neruoscientist, “Disgust toward social outcasts avoids perceived moral and infectious contamination.”
Do I believe I’m morally contaminated by working with social outcasts? No although I think my moral compass can be different to others at times. In terms of sex and sexuality, I’m a bit of an ‘anything goes as long as you’re not hurting anyone’ kind of woman. But I do also see expressions of sex and sexuality as communicating unconscious unmet need. So, if you think I might be analysing you whilst you’re telling me about your most recent sexual adventures, I might well be although of course I’d be far too polite to say!
That’s how I have learned to view sexual harm; as something which is generally about an unconscious and unexpressed need in someone that has been projected onto and into someone else often with catastrophic outcomes for victims and survivors that last a lifetime for them aswell as those around them.
I have the same response as anyone does to reading or hearing about what awful acts someone has committed on someone else and I feel it viscerally. I think this is a really healthy response and the day I don’t feel that is perhaps the day that I consider giving it all up and going to do something much ‘nicer’ instead! I live quite near a monkey sanctuary and always think about going to work there when things feel too much but as my husband pointed out, I’d just be working with traumatised monkeys instead of traumatised men so maybe not.
I think the difference in my response and those of us who do this kind of work is that we feel the horrible stuff and instead of turning away, we turn towards with compassion and understanding. This is sometimes harder than at other times. Sometimes we might be exactly the demographic of the victims that a person has targeted or we might have children who are. Sometimes we get triggered by our own unresolved stuff and no matter how much therapy you have, there’ll always be stuff.
One way of dealing with this that I see a lot, is that in order to defend against this, we hide behind psychological jargon and explanations in order to shield us from the horror that we are working with. To me, this way madness lies. My way of dealing with it is to acknowledge that I feel what I feel and to talk about it with appropriate people, sometimes it’s more my supervisor if I have that kind of relationship with them, sometimes it’s my therapist. I also take really good care of myself both externally and internally and fill my life with soulful experiences and people.
The standard and acceptable response to the question about why I do it is that I’m all about public protection. Which of course I am and I truly believe what I do contributes to that. But, for me it is also about valuing each individual as a human being with innate and unlimited potential no matter what they have done.
The Socrates quote, ‘Those who are hardest to love are the ones who need it most’ is often in my mind. I think I am quite hard to love too so maybe this is partly why I embrace working in the shadows.
I honestly believe this work makes a real difference, to public protection as well as the men I work with who I hope go on to live the rest of their lives continuing to work on themselves which is, in my opinion, the most respectful thing they can do without being able to change the past.
Hearing people’s stories is a real gift. I’m so grateful to all the men I have worked with for trusting me with their vulnerabilities and allowing me to support them while they courageously face themselves and what they have done. Witnessing transformation is such a privilege.
If you’re interested in working with people who sexually harm others, come and learn from an expert in the field. On Wednesday 5th June at 10am I am running a free information session on Zoom – sign up here and don’t worry if you can’t attend live – a recording will be emailed to you following the session so you can catch up in your own time.